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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up!
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